May 31, 2004

Quotes about writing and writers

"A perfectly healthy sentence, it is true, is extremely rare. For the most part we miss the hue and fragrance of the thought; as if we could be satisfied with the dews of the morning or evening without their colors, or the heavens without their azure." - Thoreau, Henry David

"A professional writer is an amateur who didn't quit." - Bach, Richard

"A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people." - Mann, Thomas

"A writer is someone who can make a riddle out of an answer." - Kraus, Karl

"A writer writes not because he is educated but because he is driven by the need to communicate. Behind the need to communicate is the need to share. Behind the need to share is the need to be understood. The writer wants to be understood much more than he wants to be respected or praised or even loved. And that perhaps, is what makes him different from others." - Rosten, Leo

"Agatha Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman." - Smith, Nancy Banks

"An author who speaks about his own books is almost as bad as a mother who talks about her own children." - Disraeli, Benjamin

"Any writer, I suppose, feels that the world into which he was born is nothing less than a conspiracy against the cultivation of his talent." - Baldwin, James

"As I take up my pen I feel myself so full, so equal to my subject, and see my book so clearly before me in embryo, I would almost like to try to say it all in a single word." - Lichtenberg, Georg C.

"Clutter is the disease of American writing. We are a society strangling in unnecessary words, circular constructions, pompous frills and meaningless jargon." - Zinsser, William

"Good novels are not written by orthodoxy-sniffers, nor by people who are conscience-stricken about their own orthodoxy. Good novels are written by people who are not frightened." - Orwell, George

"He is a man of thirty-five, but looks fifty. He is bald, has varicose veins and wears spectacles, or would wear them if his only pair were not chronically lost. If things are normal with him, he will be suffering from malnutrition, but if he has recently had a lucky streak, he will be suffering from a hangover. At present it is half past eleven in the morning, and according to his schedule he should have started work two hours ago; but even if he had made any serious effort to start he would have been frustrated by the almost continuous ringing of the telephone bell, the yells of the baby, the rattle of an electric drill out in the street, and the heavy boots of his creditors clumping up the stairs. The most recent interruption was the arrival of the second post, which brought him two circulars and an income tax demand printed in red. Needless to say this person is a writer." - Orwell, George

"He is outside of everything, and alien everywhere. He is an aesthetic solitary. His beautiful, light imagination is the wing that on the autumn evening just brushes the dusky window." - James, Henry

"Home is not where you live but where they understand you." - Christion, Morgenstern

"I would love to spend all my time writing to you; I'd love to share with you all that goes through my mind, all that weighs on my heart, all that gives air to my soul; phantoms of art, dreams that would be so beautiful if they could come true." - Pirandello, Luigi

"The cure for writers cramp is writer's block." - Leon, Inigo de

"Your works will be read after Shakespeare and Milton are forgotten - and not till then." - Porson, Richard

May 27, 2004

From the inbox - men and women

I dare anyone to try it!!

I never quite figured out why the s*xual urge of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

I have never figured out why the s*xual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing s*xual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when.......................

I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile..

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having s*x tonight either.

Errug stom

Blondjes

Drie blondjes volgen een opleiding voor politie-agent; zij moeten leren hoe een persoon te beschrijven. De instructeur houdt een portret voor de neus van het eerste blondje gedurende 5 seconden, en verbergt het portret dan weer.

Dan vraagt hij aan het blondje hoe zij de verdachte zou herkennen.´Wel, erg simpel. Hij heeft maar één oog.´ De instructeur zucht en zegt beleefd: 'Jongedame, deze foto toont zijn profiel.´

Dan toont hij de foto 5 seconden aan het tweede blondje en vraagt haar: ´hoe zou u deze verdachte kunnen herkennen?´ Het blondje begint te giechelen, maakt een beweging met haar hoofd om haar lange blonde haar naar achter te werpen, en zegt: ´Ach, die man wordt direct opgepakt hoor - hij heeft maar één oor!´

De instructeur zucht nogmaals. 'Maar zijn jullie nu zo dom of wat is dat hier?! Natuurlijk zijn er enkel één oog en één oor te zien omdat het een foto is van het profiel van de verdachte! Domoren!´

Gefrustreerd pakt de instructeur de foto en toont hem aan het derde blondje. ´Waaraan is deze verdachte herkenbaar?´, hopend dat het derde blondje geen al te dom antwoord geven zal.

Het blondje bekijkt de foto met een frons op haar voorhoofd, en zegt dan: 'HMMM.... volgens mij draagt de verdachte contactlenzen.´

De instructeur is erg verbaasd - zou er dan toch een blondje zijn met hersenen en zou zij indicaties op het gezicht van de verdachte opgemerkt hebben die hij niet gezien had? Hij vraagt het blondje even geduld te hebben, om naar het dossier van de verdachte te gaan kijken.

En warempel ! De man draagt inderdaad contactlenzen !!!

Hij gaat terug naar het leslokaal. ´Wow! Ik kan het haast niet geloven, maar het is echt waar: de verdachte draagt contactlenzen. Slim opgemerkt van u. Hoe hebt u dat eigenlijk kunnen afleiden uit deze foto?´

´Ach, dat is toch simpel. Hij heeft maar 1 oog, dus zal hij niet goed zien, maar hij kan geen bril dragen want hij heeft maar één oor...´

May 24, 2004

This one was kind of funny

Hello Dear in Christ,

It is by the grace of God that I received Christ, knowing the truth and the truth have set me free. Having known the truth, I had no choice than to do what is lawful and right in the sight of God for eternal life and in the sight of man for witness of God´s mercy and glory upon my life.

I have the pleasure to share my testimony with you, having seen your contact from the Internet. I am Barrister Martin Morad, the legal adviser to late Mr. and Mrs. Andy Brown, an America couple that lived in my Country Nigeria for 30 years before they both died in the plane crash late last year. These couples were good Christians, they so dedicated their live to God but they had no child till they died. Throughout their stay in my country, they acquired a lot of properties like lands, house properties, etc.

As their legal adviser, before their death, the husband Mr. Andy Brown instructed me to write his WILL. Because they had no child, they dedicated their wealth to God. According to the WILL, the properties have to be sold and the money be given out to a ministry for the work of God.

As their legal adviser, all the documents for the properties were in my care. He gave me the authority to sell the properties and give out the fund to the Ministries for the work of God.

In short, I sold all the properties after their death, as instructed by Mr.Andy Brown before his death. And as matter of fact, after I sold all their properties, I realized more than $3,800,000.00 (Three million hundred thousand US dollars plus), and what supposed to be the percentage interest of my right legal fee was firstly deducted by me out of the total amount realized from the sold properties, this was base on the initial agreement between me and the owner of the properties before his death.

Therefore the total amount left to be invested into God's work as instructed by the owner, is $3,800,000.00 (Ten million US dollars) only. But Instead of giving the main fund out for the work of God then, as initially instructed to me by the owner before his death, I converted the fund to myself with the intention of investing the fund abroad for my personal use instead of giving the money out as intructed by the owner before his death. I was afraid of putting the fund in the Bank, because I have to give account to the bank on how I got the money. I then packaged the fund in consignments and deposited the consignments with a security company. I did not want the management of the Security Company to know the content of the consignments, therefore I registered the consignment as Diplomatic consignment while the contents of the consignments was declared as film and photographic materials. And upon my authority given to the security company then, the consignment has since then been airlifted to their affiliated security company in Europe. Now the affiliated security company in Europe believes that the contents of the consignment deposited with them was film and photographic materials. However, I later had encounter with Christ when Pastor Benny Hinn was preaching on television concerning Ananias and Saphira in Acts 5:1-11.

After hearing the word of God, I gave my life to Christ and became a born again Christian. As a born again Christian, I started reading my bible and one day, the Lord opened my eyes to Ezekiel 33: 18 and 19 where the word of God says: "When the righteous turns from his righteousness,and commits iniquity, he shall even die thereby. But if the wicked turn from his wickedness, and do that which is lawful and right, he shall live thereby. From the scripture, I discovered that the only way I could have peace in my life is to do what is lawful and right by giving out the fund as instructed for the work of God by the owner before his death.

I have asked God for forgiveness and I know that God have forgiven me. But I have to do what is lawful and right in the sight of God by giving out the fund to the chosen ministry for the purpose of God's work as instructed by the owner before his death.

After my fasting and prayers, I asked God to make his choice and direct me to a honest Christian or the chosen ministry that deserves this fund by his Grace. I then came across your address on the Internet as I was browsing through a Christian site, and as a matter of fact, it is not only you or your ministry that I picked on the Christian site initially, but after my fervent prayer over it, then you were nominated to me through divine revelation from God,I have notified the Security Company where I deposited the consignments that contained the fund, that I will soon move out the consignment from their company and the affiliated security company in Europe has since been waiting for me to come and clear the consignment from their company.

So if you know that you will use this fund honestly and wisely for the things that will glorify God's name, then do urgently contact me back first through this email address martinmrd@tiscali.co.uk and the details will be given to you on how you will be able to receive the fund in your country through the affiliated security company company in Europe.

You should also forward to me your telephone and fax number for easy communication and to fax you the documents concerning the consignments. Your prompt response will be highly appreciated.

Please respond to my mail using my alternative and more secure email
martinmrd@tiscali.co.uk
Yours in Christ.
Barister Martin Morad

One of many

My dear friend,

Before I introduce myself, I wish to inform you that this letter is not a hoax mail and I urge you to treat it serious. It is my great pleasure introducing my self to you, I am Hajia Peace Okadigbo, widow of the Late Dr. Chuba Okadigbo former Nigerian Senate President who died as a result of Political set-up (Assassination).You can view the link on how he was killed http://www.thisdayonline.com/news/20030927news01.html.

I therefore decided to contact you in confidence so that I can be able to move out the sum of US $ 12.5 million (Twelve million,five hundred thousand U.S Dollars) which was secretly defaced and sealed in big metal box with a security company owned by a Britain in Europe. I Hajia Peace Okadigbo personally therefore appeal to you for your urgent assistance to move this money into your country where I believe it will be safe since I cannot leave the country due to the restriction of movement imposed on me and members of my family by the Nigerian government. I hereby advise you to kindly notify our family lawyer(Barrister David Green) on the following E-mail : davidgreen_esq@hotmail.com, With your private telephone and fax numbers respectively, for further details if you accept this proposal.

Upon the receipt of your acceptance to assist me, my lawyer shall arrange with you for a face-to-face meeting outside Nigeria in order to liaise with you towards the effective completion of this transaction.

However, all arrangement has been in place and this money has been moved out of Nigeria in batches in a secret vault through a diplomatic security company to Europe. I also want you to be assured that all necessary arrangement for a hitch free transaction has been concluded.Conclusively I have decided to discuss the sharing ratio and modalities for the transaction with you on receipt of your mail. All I require from you is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through.

I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.Please reply urgently and treat with absolute confidentiality and sincerity.

Best regards
Hajia Peace Okadigbo

Flauwe mop

De onderwijzer gaf als onderwerp voor het opstel: 'Als ik directeur van een groot bedrijf was'.

Alle kinderen bogen zich over hun schrift en begonnen te schrijven of op hun pen te bijten.

Allemaal, op één na, die helemaal niets deed.

"Bob, wanneer begin jij?", vroeg de onderwijzer.

"Mijn secretaresse is er nog niet", antwoorde Bob.

From the inbox - Types of women

Types Of Women

* HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER.

* RAM Woman: She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

* WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

* EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

* SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

* INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access.

* SERVER Woman: Always busy when you need her.

* MULTIMEDIA Woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful.

* CD-ROM Woman: She is always faster and faster.

* E-MAIL Woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

* VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything